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A Man, Pushed Too Far
Friday, April 16, 2004
Did you ever have to make up your mind? Did you ever have to finally decide? I did. A scant 34 minutes ago, when I logged into Hotmail.
You see, as an informed citizen, I like to stay up on all the CURRENT AFFAIRS NEWS. I want to know which clerics have issued what fatwahs; who we've strengthened our resolve (to smoke out with a light of justice) against and who is simply wanted: dead or alive. Thankfully, MSN does a good job of compiling the most important news items of the day and distilling them into a form that's both informative AND entertaining.
For example, let's say there's some major fighting in Iraqi city of Karbalah. Four U.S. Marines have been killed and a mosque full of civilians was accidentally bombed.
On that day, MSN might just run a feature called "Fashion faux-pas or Fashion faux-pooh?" or one called "Charlize Theron: Underphotographed?" This is stuff that regular Joes, like you or me, can get into. Sure, these articles don't contain any specific information or "news" in the tradtitional sense (i.e. BORING!) about the situation in Iraq or Iran or whatever. But I think that while you're reading them, you do get this dull sense that something terrible is going on, somewhere. And that is valuable.
Anyway, I was logging into Hotmail and maybe hoping for a "bit of the ol' News-tra violence" (IT'S FROM A MOVIE!), when I see two news links just begging to be clicked.
Scientists: Face found on back of Turin shroud
vs.
Diet advice from McDonald's?
Wait. Scientists found a face on the back of the shroud of Turin?!! Incredible! But where does McDonald's get off giving ME diet advice??? The sheer NERVE of those hypocrites!!! But SCIENCE has JUST validated 2,000 YEARS OF SUPERSTITION and VIOLENCE using PURE SCIENCE!!! BUT MCDONALD'S HAS NO FUCKING BUSINESS GIVING ME ADVICE BECAUSE THEIR FOOD IS BAD FOR YOU!!! DIDN'T RAY KROC DIE ALONE, IN A FILTHY WAREHOUSE, AT A WEIGHT OF 780 LBS?!! BUT WIDDLE GODDY-GOD IS WEALLY WEEEEEAL!!!! FUCK ME! WHICH FUCKING ONE OF THESE DO I CLICK, YOU FUCKERS?!!
Answer: I clicked 'em both. Yep. Opened a new window. Clicked 'em both and read 'em simultaneously while my dick shrank in size and turned to dust.
It turns out that the "face" on the back of the Shroud of Turin looks a lot like a post-Running With Scissors "Weird Al" Yankovic and McDonald's is guilty of several rapes.
Well, that's "news" to me!
You see, as an informed citizen, I like to stay up on all the CURRENT AFFAIRS NEWS. I want to know which clerics have issued what fatwahs; who we've strengthened our resolve (to smoke out with a light of justice) against and who is simply wanted: dead or alive. Thankfully, MSN does a good job of compiling the most important news items of the day and distilling them into a form that's both informative AND entertaining.
For example, let's say there's some major fighting in Iraqi city of Karbalah. Four U.S. Marines have been killed and a mosque full of civilians was accidentally bombed.
On that day, MSN might just run a feature called "Fashion faux-pas or Fashion faux-pooh?" or one called "Charlize Theron: Underphotographed?" This is stuff that regular Joes, like you or me, can get into. Sure, these articles don't contain any specific information or "news" in the tradtitional sense (i.e. BORING!) about the situation in Iraq or Iran or whatever. But I think that while you're reading them, you do get this dull sense that something terrible is going on, somewhere. And that is valuable.
Anyway, I was logging into Hotmail and maybe hoping for a "bit of the ol' News-tra violence" (IT'S FROM A MOVIE!), when I see two news links just begging to be clicked.
Scientists: Face found on back of Turin shroud
vs.
Diet advice from McDonald's?
Wait. Scientists found a face on the back of the shroud of Turin?!! Incredible! But where does McDonald's get off giving ME diet advice??? The sheer NERVE of those hypocrites!!! But SCIENCE has JUST validated 2,000 YEARS OF SUPERSTITION and VIOLENCE using PURE SCIENCE!!! BUT MCDONALD'S HAS NO FUCKING BUSINESS GIVING ME ADVICE BECAUSE THEIR FOOD IS BAD FOR YOU!!! DIDN'T RAY KROC DIE ALONE, IN A FILTHY WAREHOUSE, AT A WEIGHT OF 780 LBS?!! BUT WIDDLE GODDY-GOD IS WEALLY WEEEEEAL!!!! FUCK ME! WHICH FUCKING ONE OF THESE DO I CLICK, YOU FUCKERS?!!
Answer: I clicked 'em both. Yep. Opened a new window. Clicked 'em both and read 'em simultaneously while my dick shrank in size and turned to dust.
It turns out that the "face" on the back of the Shroud of Turin looks a lot like a post-Running With Scissors "Weird Al" Yankovic and McDonald's is guilty of several rapes.
Well, that's "news" to me!
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
If you spend a fair amount of time on the Internet, every so often, you happen on something so wonderful that it just makes you thankful you were born a hateful asshole. Friends, I feel as though a honeyed drop of bile has squirted from the teat of the goddess Acrimony and hit me right in the kisser. It tastes like a bitter herb. Bitter and delicious.
So, without further ado and courtesy of Fox News, I present to you some quotes from actor Jim Cavaziel who plays J. Christ in the eagerly anticipated motion picture event, The Passion of the Christ. Enjoy:
"This is the greatest part I've ever had," he says. "I felt like it would be ridiculous not to work with a guy like Mel Gibson."
"They've got these thorns they tie on your head as hard as they can, and then there's a cross to carry that weighs 150 pounds. It feels like 600 pounds as the day goes on. Later they stick you up on a cross in 25-degree temperatures with 30-knot winds."
"We were preparing to shoot the Sermon on the Mount and three seconds before, I was hit by lightning. I knew it was going to happen. People started screaming and they said I had fire on both sides of my head and a light around me. I had locked eyes with people and it was very eerie because they made a weird sound - the kind of sound people made when they saw the jet plane run into the World Trade Center. It was a sickening feeling."
"If he'd said, 'Hey, I'm going to make an anti-Semitic film, would you like to join me?' I wouldn't have been part of a film like that."
"The sad thing about it all is that I'm the most Semitic-looking Jesus in history - Mel didn't want a blue-eyed, blonde Aryan Christ on the cross."
"The gal that plays Mary [actress Maia Morgenstern] is Jewish and her parents were in the Holocaust. Talk to her. There are Romanian and Jewish actors in this film who say unequivocally that this film is not anti-Semitic."
"I'm not saying that no one is going to do something stupid out there after seeing this film."
Oh, my God... I just came. Okay, Here's a link to the entire article. If you look, you'll find out that I BASICALLY POSTED IT IN ITS ENTIRETY! Everything this guy says is SOLID FUCKING GOLD!
Praise Jesus!
So, without further ado and courtesy of Fox News, I present to you some quotes from actor Jim Cavaziel who plays J. Christ in the eagerly anticipated motion picture event, The Passion of the Christ. Enjoy:
"This is the greatest part I've ever had," he says. "I felt like it would be ridiculous not to work with a guy like Mel Gibson."
"They've got these thorns they tie on your head as hard as they can, and then there's a cross to carry that weighs 150 pounds. It feels like 600 pounds as the day goes on. Later they stick you up on a cross in 25-degree temperatures with 30-knot winds."
"We were preparing to shoot the Sermon on the Mount and three seconds before, I was hit by lightning. I knew it was going to happen. People started screaming and they said I had fire on both sides of my head and a light around me. I had locked eyes with people and it was very eerie because they made a weird sound - the kind of sound people made when they saw the jet plane run into the World Trade Center. It was a sickening feeling."
"If he'd said, 'Hey, I'm going to make an anti-Semitic film, would you like to join me?' I wouldn't have been part of a film like that."
"The sad thing about it all is that I'm the most Semitic-looking Jesus in history - Mel didn't want a blue-eyed, blonde Aryan Christ on the cross."
"The gal that plays Mary [actress Maia Morgenstern] is Jewish and her parents were in the Holocaust. Talk to her. There are Romanian and Jewish actors in this film who say unequivocally that this film is not anti-Semitic."
"I'm not saying that no one is going to do something stupid out there after seeing this film."
Oh, my God... I just came. Okay, Here's a link to the entire article. If you look, you'll find out that I BASICALLY POSTED IT IN ITS ENTIRETY! Everything this guy says is SOLID FUCKING GOLD!
Praise Jesus!
Friday, January 30, 2004
They say I can't blog about bein' broke no more.
They didn't say I can't blog about Alan Moore's The Killing Joke no more.
FYI: Since my last entry, a lot has happened which deserves comment. But I don't believe in the concept of 'desert' so I'm going to service this stuff with about 80% new material.
1. Kerry won New Hampshire because he's the most electable Democrat of them all. He's like the president in a movie where Method Man and Redman get elected to the Senate.
I can't wait for to see who wins the election and I sure hope Kofi Annan likes his new cage. Hopefully, the pine shavings can absorb all his big, hot tears.
Why can't muslim clerics issue a fatwah to give $50 to DeanForAmerica.com instead of telling a pregnant lady to suicide bomb a filthy movie theater in Moscow.
2. I saw a free play entitled The Airy Knights of Bonerdom. The first half was about Good King Winceslaus and how he loved watching Sex and the City with his friends. Fine stuff, if not too challenging. But they really take it up a notch for the experimental second half, during which a little red-haired dwarf climbs into each of the audience members' laps and yells the word "boner" at them until they cry or turn gay.
That's it. I'm out.
They didn't say I can't blog about Alan Moore's The Killing Joke no more.
FYI: Since my last entry, a lot has happened which deserves comment. But I don't believe in the concept of 'desert' so I'm going to service this stuff with about 80% new material.
1. Kerry won New Hampshire because he's the most electable Democrat of them all. He's like the president in a movie where Method Man and Redman get elected to the Senate.
I can't wait for to see who wins the election and I sure hope Kofi Annan likes his new cage. Hopefully, the pine shavings can absorb all his big, hot tears.
Why can't muslim clerics issue a fatwah to give $50 to DeanForAmerica.com instead of telling a pregnant lady to suicide bomb a filthy movie theater in Moscow.
2. I saw a free play entitled The Airy Knights of Bonerdom. The first half was about Good King Winceslaus and how he loved watching Sex and the City with his friends. Fine stuff, if not too challenging. But they really take it up a notch for the experimental second half, during which a little red-haired dwarf climbs into each of the audience members' laps and yells the word "boner" at them until they cry or turn gay.
That's it. I'm out.
Monday, December 29, 2003
Well, if getting up an hour before you have leave for work to vomit out bile with little pieces of seaweed in it is a sport, then say hello to the new Shoeless Joe Fucking Jackson! Apparently, there is another, little-known holiday that falls 4 days after Christmas and it is called TOM'S PUKE CHRISTMAS! Where I give gallons of stank gut barf to the toilet bowl and receive broken blood vessels in my eyes from dry heaving. I should probably reflect on how lucky I am to have malt liquor and sushi in my life. IT'S EASY TO FORGET!
If my stomach's digestive strength were moral fortitude it would be Vichy France/Robert Downey Jr.
Uh oh. I just typed the letter "R"! Time to go puke!
If my stomach's digestive strength were moral fortitude it would be Vichy France/Robert Downey Jr.
Uh oh. I just typed the letter "R"! Time to go puke!
Thursday, December 11, 2003
And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.
And the angel said unto me, Wherefore didst thou marvel? I will tell thee the mystery of the woman, and of the beast that carrieth her, which hath the seven heads and ten horns.
The beast that thou sawest was, and is not; and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition: and they that dwell on the earth shall wonder, whose names were not written in the book of life from the foundation of the world, when they behold the beast that was, and is not, and yet is.
Okay. Need to stay calm. Must not give into the rage. Must not let Julian find out about this. Not sure his system could handle it. Positive thoughts:
Did you ever think that love is like a beautiful apple that can sing? I think LOVE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD! I think love is more beautiful than Amelie flying around on a rainbow that's all pink, just smiling and screaming, "Hello!" Did you ever wonder if there is only one special person out there for each of us? I think you did and there is! What would you do if they'd been there all along? Wake up! Love don't cost a thing! You just got punched in the nutsack by Cupid, shrimpdick. YOU'RE IN LOVE!
And the angel said unto me, Wherefore didst thou marvel? I will tell thee the mystery of the woman, and of the beast that carrieth her, which hath the seven heads and ten horns.
The beast that thou sawest was, and is not; and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition: and they that dwell on the earth shall wonder, whose names were not written in the book of life from the foundation of the world, when they behold the beast that was, and is not, and yet is.
Okay. Need to stay calm. Must not give into the rage. Must not let Julian find out about this. Not sure his system could handle it. Positive thoughts:
Did you ever think that love is like a beautiful apple that can sing? I think LOVE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD! I think love is more beautiful than Amelie flying around on a rainbow that's all pink, just smiling and screaming, "Hello!" Did you ever wonder if there is only one special person out there for each of us? I think you did and there is! What would you do if they'd been there all along? Wake up! Love don't cost a thing! You just got punched in the nutsack by Cupid, shrimpdick. YOU'RE IN LOVE!
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
FYI, a new study says that UK teens are now more likely to be obese, impotent, and suffer from mental illness. Wow. Oliver Cromwell and King Arthur must be spinning in their graves, screaming, "Rubbish!" and pretending they're not gay. Apparently, England can look forward to a generation of fat, limpdick, mental incompetents or "Robbie Coltranes" as they will be known by the Eloi caste who rule Neo-London: 2045.
Can I just say that study is SHOCKING! All I can think is: good thing in America we're... we don't have the... we're not... Holy crap! My pubic hair turned gray and my dick just fell off! Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that whole pack of deep-fried cigarettes from the McDonald's Dollar Menu! Maybe everyone feels like crying in the morning.... Maybe?
In other news, Japan has decided to commit troops to Iraq.
A. Great reason to break a 50-year pacifism streak. Would you like to join the U.S. in invading Care Bear Village, next? Rumsfeld says Funshine Bear may have ties to Al Qaeda.
B. Could anything inspire more confidence in the minds of the war-ravaged Iraqi people than THE SIGHT OF THE JAPANESE MILITARY?! Christ, if we could only get some fucking CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS AND VIKINGS to join the Coalition!
To Nippon's credit, the mission doesn't have popular support and they're only planning to send 600 troops and one weeping school girl with cat ears, who must come to terms with the fact that she is actually an android.
Okay, that's all I've got.
Can I just say that study is SHOCKING! All I can think is: good thing in America we're... we don't have the... we're not... Holy crap! My pubic hair turned gray and my dick just fell off! Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that whole pack of deep-fried cigarettes from the McDonald's Dollar Menu! Maybe everyone feels like crying in the morning.... Maybe?
In other news, Japan has decided to commit troops to Iraq.
A. Great reason to break a 50-year pacifism streak. Would you like to join the U.S. in invading Care Bear Village, next? Rumsfeld says Funshine Bear may have ties to Al Qaeda.
B. Could anything inspire more confidence in the minds of the war-ravaged Iraqi people than THE SIGHT OF THE JAPANESE MILITARY?! Christ, if we could only get some fucking CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS AND VIKINGS to join the Coalition!
To Nippon's credit, the mission doesn't have popular support and they're only planning to send 600 troops and one weeping school girl with cat ears, who must come to terms with the fact that she is actually an android.
Okay, that's all I've got.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
FYI, has anyone checked out hampsterdance.com recently? If you're like me, the last time you visited this website was sometime in 1999, when it was a bunch of animated gif's of hamsters twitching/squirming to a song that bordered on copyright infringement. It was an assault on the senses, but compelling in some way.
These days, it has thankfully been transformed into a bloated, candy-corn nightmare. The site now claims to be authored by the true standout of those twitching/squriming rapscallions: the orange one. Or as he's now known: Hampton the Hampster (TM)! What charisma, this character! I wish I could buy things! And now I can, at the Hampsterdance Store where you will find the new Hampsterdance CD called Happy Times Ten (TM). And as a special nod to all us old-timer Hampsterheads (TM), a mere 18 clicks from the blinking hamster village homepage and you'll be at the original website. It's just the same as I remember it except the song is different and worse!
I never thought I would long for the artistic integrity and marketing sense of whoever invented that green Shrek ketchup! It's neat!
It is also neat when a website can function as a metaphor for Jay-Z's career.
These days, it has thankfully been transformed into a bloated, candy-corn nightmare. The site now claims to be authored by the true standout of those twitching/squriming rapscallions: the orange one. Or as he's now known: Hampton the Hampster (TM)! What charisma, this character! I wish I could buy things! And now I can, at the Hampsterdance Store where you will find the new Hampsterdance CD called Happy Times Ten (TM). And as a special nod to all us old-timer Hampsterheads (TM), a mere 18 clicks from the blinking hamster village homepage and you'll be at the original website. It's just the same as I remember it except the song is different and worse!
I never thought I would long for the artistic integrity and marketing sense of whoever invented that green Shrek ketchup! It's neat!
It is also neat when a website can function as a metaphor for Jay-Z's career.
