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A Man, Pushed Too Far
Friday, April 16, 2004
Did you ever have to make up your mind? Did you ever have to finally decide? I did. A scant 34 minutes ago, when I logged into Hotmail.
You see, as an informed citizen, I like to stay up on all the CURRENT AFFAIRS NEWS. I want to know which clerics have issued what fatwahs; who we've strengthened our resolve (to smoke out with a light of justice) against and who is simply wanted: dead or alive. Thankfully, MSN does a good job of compiling the most important news items of the day and distilling them into a form that's both informative AND entertaining.
For example, let's say there's some major fighting in Iraqi city of Karbalah. Four U.S. Marines have been killed and a mosque full of civilians was accidentally bombed.
On that day, MSN might just run a feature called "Fashion faux-pas or Fashion faux-pooh?" or one called "Charlize Theron: Underphotographed?" This is stuff that regular Joes, like you or me, can get into. Sure, these articles don't contain any specific information or "news" in the tradtitional sense (i.e. BORING!) about the situation in Iraq or Iran or whatever. But I think that while you're reading them, you do get this dull sense that something terrible is going on, somewhere. And that is valuable.
Anyway, I was logging into Hotmail and maybe hoping for a "bit of the ol' News-tra violence" (IT'S FROM A MOVIE!), when I see two news links just begging to be clicked.
Scientists: Face found on back of Turin shroud
vs.
Diet advice from McDonald's?
Wait. Scientists found a face on the back of the shroud of Turin?!! Incredible! But where does McDonald's get off giving ME diet advice??? The sheer NERVE of those hypocrites!!! But SCIENCE has JUST validated 2,000 YEARS OF SUPERSTITION and VIOLENCE using PURE SCIENCE!!! BUT MCDONALD'S HAS NO FUCKING BUSINESS GIVING ME ADVICE BECAUSE THEIR FOOD IS BAD FOR YOU!!! DIDN'T RAY KROC DIE ALONE, IN A FILTHY WAREHOUSE, AT A WEIGHT OF 780 LBS?!! BUT WIDDLE GODDY-GOD IS WEALLY WEEEEEAL!!!! FUCK ME! WHICH FUCKING ONE OF THESE DO I CLICK, YOU FUCKERS?!!
Answer: I clicked 'em both. Yep. Opened a new window. Clicked 'em both and read 'em simultaneously while my dick shrank in size and turned to dust.
It turns out that the "face" on the back of the Shroud of Turin looks a lot like a post-Running With Scissors "Weird Al" Yankovic and McDonald's is guilty of several rapes.
Well, that's "news" to me!
You see, as an informed citizen, I like to stay up on all the CURRENT AFFAIRS NEWS. I want to know which clerics have issued what fatwahs; who we've strengthened our resolve (to smoke out with a light of justice) against and who is simply wanted: dead or alive. Thankfully, MSN does a good job of compiling the most important news items of the day and distilling them into a form that's both informative AND entertaining.
For example, let's say there's some major fighting in Iraqi city of Karbalah. Four U.S. Marines have been killed and a mosque full of civilians was accidentally bombed.
On that day, MSN might just run a feature called "Fashion faux-pas or Fashion faux-pooh?" or one called "Charlize Theron: Underphotographed?" This is stuff that regular Joes, like you or me, can get into. Sure, these articles don't contain any specific information or "news" in the tradtitional sense (i.e. BORING!) about the situation in Iraq or Iran or whatever. But I think that while you're reading them, you do get this dull sense that something terrible is going on, somewhere. And that is valuable.
Anyway, I was logging into Hotmail and maybe hoping for a "bit of the ol' News-tra violence" (IT'S FROM A MOVIE!), when I see two news links just begging to be clicked.
Scientists: Face found on back of Turin shroud
vs.
Diet advice from McDonald's?
Wait. Scientists found a face on the back of the shroud of Turin?!! Incredible! But where does McDonald's get off giving ME diet advice??? The sheer NERVE of those hypocrites!!! But SCIENCE has JUST validated 2,000 YEARS OF SUPERSTITION and VIOLENCE using PURE SCIENCE!!! BUT MCDONALD'S HAS NO FUCKING BUSINESS GIVING ME ADVICE BECAUSE THEIR FOOD IS BAD FOR YOU!!! DIDN'T RAY KROC DIE ALONE, IN A FILTHY WAREHOUSE, AT A WEIGHT OF 780 LBS?!! BUT WIDDLE GODDY-GOD IS WEALLY WEEEEEAL!!!! FUCK ME! WHICH FUCKING ONE OF THESE DO I CLICK, YOU FUCKERS?!!
Answer: I clicked 'em both. Yep. Opened a new window. Clicked 'em both and read 'em simultaneously while my dick shrank in size and turned to dust.
It turns out that the "face" on the back of the Shroud of Turin looks a lot like a post-Running With Scissors "Weird Al" Yankovic and McDonald's is guilty of several rapes.
Well, that's "news" to me!
