Murder on the Wind

FYI, this just in. Okay, I have an update to a story on which I recently reported. Jean-Louis Kasparov, the Mad Russian, finished his one-man chess tournament with a stinky old computer. Final outcome: a tie! Fucking amazing. The only thing more exciting than this would've been not having a tie.

After 4 matches, man and machine both agreed that "they couldn't keep doing this to themselves" and that the whole thing was "tearing [them] up inside". The pair decided to part ways, but not before an emotional farewell. Kasparov, who has often expressed interest in "getting the [expletive] out of this one-horse town" is expected to spend the summer working on his uncle's ranch in California; X3D Fritz, to reluctantly enter into a series of picture-perfect-but-ultimately-hollow matches with number-two ranked Vladimir Kramnik.

FYI, in other news, I have a stabbing pain in my stomach. It feels a lot like there are two porcupines inside me fucking. During their fucking, THEY ARE LITERALLY SWEATING POISON.

Also, Singaporan scientists have developed a genetically modified fish that glows, which will soon be available in American pet stores. This is SO weird because yesterday I was just thinking: REAL FISH AREN'T GLOWY ENOUGH! Honestly, after reading this story, can you back to regular pets that aren't internally shining with a sickly, God-mocking light? I can't, I don't mind telling you.

"What is the scientists' next project?" you may ask. Well, they're having trouble deciding between a cactus that weeps when you yell at it or a frog that craps Teddy Grahams.

Now, normally this isn't the kind of thing I'd mention because I'm not that kind of guy, but Japanese scientists have just discovered a new species of whale! This is the biggest scientific news since Seattle-based grunge rock band The Raelians successfully cloned "Dolly Madison," a new species of sheep. AND ALSO the biggest news from Japan since Tenchi Muyo almost saw Ryoko naked and his eyes went woobly-woobly and an iconic representation of a sweat gland appeared by his face and REMAINED FOR SEVERAL SECONDS! I could see them discovering a new species of shark or even a new species of elephant, but the whale is the largest animal that has ever walked the earth! No need to worry though, ladies. This whale isn't carnivorous. It only eats microscopic ocean life called "baleen" and loves to be hugged. Or so says the article... At least that's what it might've said if I'd had a long enough attention span to read the whole fucking thing.

Also, if you ride the Subway, you may have noticed an ad that reads:

"Oil, natural gas, solar, hydrogen. If only we could harness the energy of NYC.

It's a start.

BP - Beyond Petroleum"

I am truly heartened. Between securing federal approval to destroy the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and paying the Colombian military to rape and torture, British Petroleum found the time to print up a bunch of little fucking posters. That is a great "start" you've made, you evil raping dinosaur! It must've required a lot of scientific research to develop the most condescending and self-congratulatory statement ever made by man.

New Yorkers have so much energy because they're heroes and British Petroleum has a vested interest in alternative energy sources! You've sold me and the guy who shot all those black kids. New York is #1 and British Petroleum is #1!

If only we could harness the urine stink at the Canal St. stop.

By now, you may have noticed that Julian's weblog is gone. FYI, that is merely because I recently organized an international hacking competition to "crash" it, as a true "nethead" or "webmaster" might say.

FYI, first and foremost I would like to congratulate "Knifetwin7", the 14-year-old Latvian boy who won! "How did you do it?" I asked him over a free long-distance phone call he arranged. "Ever hear of Java-scripting uploader?" he chuckled conspiratorially, adding, "I love American basketball."

I like him because he has the WILL TO ACHEIVE! I heard that CIGARETTES are like a CURRENCY in his country!

Now, my weblog can finally bask in the warm dawnlight of its true potential. Perhaps Matrix: Revolutions said it best:

"Every beginning must have an ending. Every war must have one winner to that one war."

Well, the imitators are gone. My weblog is raising the flag on Iwogema and Julian's weblog was just found dead with its mistress in a bunker. Some Russians will probably keep his weblog's nuts in a jar in the Kremlin.

MY WEBLOG IS NOW #1 WEBLOG! But maybe that's just what you can expect from a weblog that has been called "Funny" and "You have a weblog?"

Weblog.

Oy! Today George Bush is hopping the pond to "jolly" ol' England where he's expected to receive a "Royal Welcome" from millions upon millions of angry protestours (or protestors). Apparently these "blokes" and "geezers" want to say "Tootle, pip!" to American hegemony! I bet you a ha'penny our guv'nor don't budge!

"But where is Tony Blair in all this?" you may ask. Someone should check directly behind Bush's nutsack, where the 4-inch-tall Blair can often be found stimulating our 43rd president's prostate gland with his tiny hands and face.

BTW, FYI, I love having a weblog! Today, I was thinking, "Everyone has a weblog but what if animals could even have their own weblogs?" Would everything they type just be creepy gibberish? Or could we learn something about ourselves by seeing the world through their simple, colorblind eyes?

One thing can be said with absolute certainty about all animals: THEY LUV 2 FUCK!

PEACE!

Hey, having a blog is great.

FYI, has anyone noticed that the aforementioned "DC Sniper" is named John Mohammed? Okay, I don't want to scare anyone but could this guy be doing AL-QAEDA??? (FYI, The leader of Al-Qaeda is named "Muhammed". Different spelling but could be worth investigating)

Also, I see Wesley Clark up there at the podium but WHERE IS THE REST OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE? Could they be battling Dr. Light on infinite earths?

In recent news, Tasslehoff, a Russian, beat a computer at chess. Thanks! Now I believe we all have souls! But apparently, he is playing the computer again today! Wow. This guy just WON'T QUIT. He's like a fucking Gatorade commercial for little chickenshit pussies who play chess.

All that aside, there is still no computer in the WORLD that can defeat man at tennis.

Jordanna Brewster, I have a blog. Now, will you please look over here?

(Jordanna Brewster is working in the next cubicle. She is FORMATTING a SPREADSHEET and DOING LINES)