Links
Archives
A Man, Pushed Too Far
Monday, December 29, 2003
Well, if getting up an hour before you have leave for work to vomit out bile with little pieces of seaweed in it is a sport, then say hello to the new Shoeless Joe Fucking Jackson! Apparently, there is another, little-known holiday that falls 4 days after Christmas and it is called TOM'S PUKE CHRISTMAS! Where I give gallons of stank gut barf to the toilet bowl and receive broken blood vessels in my eyes from dry heaving. I should probably reflect on how lucky I am to have malt liquor and sushi in my life. IT'S EASY TO FORGET!
If my stomach's digestive strength were moral fortitude it would be Vichy France/Robert Downey Jr.
Uh oh. I just typed the letter "R"! Time to go puke!
If my stomach's digestive strength were moral fortitude it would be Vichy France/Robert Downey Jr.
Uh oh. I just typed the letter "R"! Time to go puke!
Thursday, December 11, 2003
And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.
And the angel said unto me, Wherefore didst thou marvel? I will tell thee the mystery of the woman, and of the beast that carrieth her, which hath the seven heads and ten horns.
The beast that thou sawest was, and is not; and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition: and they that dwell on the earth shall wonder, whose names were not written in the book of life from the foundation of the world, when they behold the beast that was, and is not, and yet is.
Okay. Need to stay calm. Must not give into the rage. Must not let Julian find out about this. Not sure his system could handle it. Positive thoughts:
Did you ever think that love is like a beautiful apple that can sing? I think LOVE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD! I think love is more beautiful than Amelie flying around on a rainbow that's all pink, just smiling and screaming, "Hello!" Did you ever wonder if there is only one special person out there for each of us? I think you did and there is! What would you do if they'd been there all along? Wake up! Love don't cost a thing! You just got punched in the nutsack by Cupid, shrimpdick. YOU'RE IN LOVE!
And the angel said unto me, Wherefore didst thou marvel? I will tell thee the mystery of the woman, and of the beast that carrieth her, which hath the seven heads and ten horns.
The beast that thou sawest was, and is not; and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition: and they that dwell on the earth shall wonder, whose names were not written in the book of life from the foundation of the world, when they behold the beast that was, and is not, and yet is.
Okay. Need to stay calm. Must not give into the rage. Must not let Julian find out about this. Not sure his system could handle it. Positive thoughts:
Did you ever think that love is like a beautiful apple that can sing? I think LOVE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD! I think love is more beautiful than Amelie flying around on a rainbow that's all pink, just smiling and screaming, "Hello!" Did you ever wonder if there is only one special person out there for each of us? I think you did and there is! What would you do if they'd been there all along? Wake up! Love don't cost a thing! You just got punched in the nutsack by Cupid, shrimpdick. YOU'RE IN LOVE!
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
FYI, a new study says that UK teens are now more likely to be obese, impotent, and suffer from mental illness. Wow. Oliver Cromwell and King Arthur must be spinning in their graves, screaming, "Rubbish!" and pretending they're not gay. Apparently, England can look forward to a generation of fat, limpdick, mental incompetents or "Robbie Coltranes" as they will be known by the Eloi caste who rule Neo-London: 2045.
Can I just say that study is SHOCKING! All I can think is: good thing in America we're... we don't have the... we're not... Holy crap! My pubic hair turned gray and my dick just fell off! Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that whole pack of deep-fried cigarettes from the McDonald's Dollar Menu! Maybe everyone feels like crying in the morning.... Maybe?
In other news, Japan has decided to commit troops to Iraq.
A. Great reason to break a 50-year pacifism streak. Would you like to join the U.S. in invading Care Bear Village, next? Rumsfeld says Funshine Bear may have ties to Al Qaeda.
B. Could anything inspire more confidence in the minds of the war-ravaged Iraqi people than THE SIGHT OF THE JAPANESE MILITARY?! Christ, if we could only get some fucking CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS AND VIKINGS to join the Coalition!
To Nippon's credit, the mission doesn't have popular support and they're only planning to send 600 troops and one weeping school girl with cat ears, who must come to terms with the fact that she is actually an android.
Okay, that's all I've got.
Can I just say that study is SHOCKING! All I can think is: good thing in America we're... we don't have the... we're not... Holy crap! My pubic hair turned gray and my dick just fell off! Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that whole pack of deep-fried cigarettes from the McDonald's Dollar Menu! Maybe everyone feels like crying in the morning.... Maybe?
In other news, Japan has decided to commit troops to Iraq.
A. Great reason to break a 50-year pacifism streak. Would you like to join the U.S. in invading Care Bear Village, next? Rumsfeld says Funshine Bear may have ties to Al Qaeda.
B. Could anything inspire more confidence in the minds of the war-ravaged Iraqi people than THE SIGHT OF THE JAPANESE MILITARY?! Christ, if we could only get some fucking CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS AND VIKINGS to join the Coalition!
To Nippon's credit, the mission doesn't have popular support and they're only planning to send 600 troops and one weeping school girl with cat ears, who must come to terms with the fact that she is actually an android.
Okay, that's all I've got.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
FYI, has anyone checked out hampsterdance.com recently? If you're like me, the last time you visited this website was sometime in 1999, when it was a bunch of animated gif's of hamsters twitching/squirming to a song that bordered on copyright infringement. It was an assault on the senses, but compelling in some way.
These days, it has thankfully been transformed into a bloated, candy-corn nightmare. The site now claims to be authored by the true standout of those twitching/squriming rapscallions: the orange one. Or as he's now known: Hampton the Hampster (TM)! What charisma, this character! I wish I could buy things! And now I can, at the Hampsterdance Store where you will find the new Hampsterdance CD called Happy Times Ten (TM). And as a special nod to all us old-timer Hampsterheads (TM), a mere 18 clicks from the blinking hamster village homepage and you'll be at the original website. It's just the same as I remember it except the song is different and worse!
I never thought I would long for the artistic integrity and marketing sense of whoever invented that green Shrek ketchup! It's neat!
It is also neat when a website can function as a metaphor for Jay-Z's career.
These days, it has thankfully been transformed into a bloated, candy-corn nightmare. The site now claims to be authored by the true standout of those twitching/squriming rapscallions: the orange one. Or as he's now known: Hampton the Hampster (TM)! What charisma, this character! I wish I could buy things! And now I can, at the Hampsterdance Store where you will find the new Hampsterdance CD called Happy Times Ten (TM). And as a special nod to all us old-timer Hampsterheads (TM), a mere 18 clicks from the blinking hamster village homepage and you'll be at the original website. It's just the same as I remember it except the song is different and worse!
I never thought I would long for the artistic integrity and marketing sense of whoever invented that green Shrek ketchup! It's neat!
It is also neat when a website can function as a metaphor for Jay-Z's career.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
An article in Forbes magazine (where Julian's dad works) just said that Roy Disney and Stanley Gold resigned from Disney's board of directors because Shrek made them mad because it was dumb.
This got me thinking: if those guys could jump ship, what if the character Aladdin decided to leave Disney? Maybe to work on some "solo projects" or hell, just to "get some shit sorted out". Here is what I would think: NICE CAREER MOVE, ALADDIN or REAL SMART, YOU LITTLE DIDDLY-DICK. Because, let's face it: that movie Aladdin was good but what the fuck? FYI, there's not going to be an Aladdin II, David Caruso Einstein. The evil gay guy got turned into a goddamn genie at the end! You know what I mean? Howabout you stop fucking around, Aladdin? In show business, if you're not working you're done. Okay?
Whew! Thank God I got that out of my system. I have been wanting to say that for a long time.
Last night I saw a reading of a play at Ted's office. It was about Homeland Security in our universities (It was part of a trilogy like Matrix Reloaded). Anyway, seeing that play and reading this article got me thinking: what if the character Aladdin had his student Visa revoked? Would our country be safer? What if the little monkey was being held in Guantanamo Bay without access to an attorney? Would the economy keep improving? What if the comical sultan sentenced Princess Jasmine to death by having a brick wall fall on her (because of her exposed midriff and love of music). Could we invade Syria, then?
The answer to all these questions is: I'm not sure.
I think the only thing we can do in these troubled times is just try and keep watching Fox News and remember to vote Nader in 2004.
This got me thinking: if those guys could jump ship, what if the character Aladdin decided to leave Disney? Maybe to work on some "solo projects" or hell, just to "get some shit sorted out". Here is what I would think: NICE CAREER MOVE, ALADDIN or REAL SMART, YOU LITTLE DIDDLY-DICK. Because, let's face it: that movie Aladdin was good but what the fuck? FYI, there's not going to be an Aladdin II, David Caruso Einstein. The evil gay guy got turned into a goddamn genie at the end! You know what I mean? Howabout you stop fucking around, Aladdin? In show business, if you're not working you're done. Okay?
Whew! Thank God I got that out of my system. I have been wanting to say that for a long time.
Last night I saw a reading of a play at Ted's office. It was about Homeland Security in our universities (It was part of a trilogy like Matrix Reloaded). Anyway, seeing that play and reading this article got me thinking: what if the character Aladdin had his student Visa revoked? Would our country be safer? What if the little monkey was being held in Guantanamo Bay without access to an attorney? Would the economy keep improving? What if the comical sultan sentenced Princess Jasmine to death by having a brick wall fall on her (because of her exposed midriff and love of music). Could we invade Syria, then?
The answer to all these questions is: I'm not sure.
I think the only thing we can do in these troubled times is just try and keep watching Fox News and remember to vote Nader in 2004.
